The best conversations I have all day

I try to be a compassionate person.  This is called into play frequently on the streets of Ann Arbor, where we have an active panhandling population.  I am aware of the complicated issues of homelessness and mental illness and the other factors which often correlate with asking for money off passersby.  I don't like being asked for money, and I don't usually give it.  But I have, in the past, handed over food, engaged in conversation, even gotten to know a few of the regulars by name.  It's generally my policy to respond politely, even when I'm not handing over anything, and to look them in the eye when I do so and address them like the humans they are.

But still, working downtown like I do, I get tired of it.

One day, espying a homeless fellow up the block, I impulsively whipped out my cell phone as if it had just rung, and immediately was engrossed in an intense--and entirely faked--conversation with the nobody on the other line.  And this, of course, gave me an immediate "out" when passing by him.  I found I felt less guilty about the subterfuge than the guilt I sometimes feel about not giving them spare change.

Because I'm not entirely crazy, as soon as I was past him I put my phone away.  

I have repeated this strategy several times since.  Put the phone to the ear, look focused and intent, and speak in a way that discourages outside interference from a needy bystander.

Except now--here is my confession, people--I sometimes don't "hang up" when the ruse is no longer needed.  I just keep talking. 

These are some great conversations I'm having!   I enjoy long (if one-sided) conversations about all kinds of topics on which I pretend to be intensely interested and well-informed.  For example:

• Our imaginary contractor's imaginary bid for our imaginary renovation work.
• Our travel plans to increasingly exotic locales.
• My sage advice about how to get the fictional house bill out of committee and put to a vote, including knowing asides about my intimate knowledge of a certain pretend representative's personal biases on the invented issue at hand.
• Why I think the other side might be bluffing in their push for a trial in the imaginary legal entanglement that is currently before the make-believe law firm in which I practice.
• The latest article I am reviewing for the non-existent academic journal of which I serve as associate editor.

So satisfying.  The life I lead via phone is fascinating!  And I always have the last word.

I should probably be a little worried, but I'm not going to consider psychiatric intervention until I find myself pulling out the phone for fake conversations when there are no panhandlers around.